We will always have Berlin

That Berlin trip
My dream come true
It was heaven for me
I hope it was similar for you

Waking up next to you day after day
Your beautiful face wrapped in white linen
It was so effortless, so right … perfection
A glimpse into a future life together

Hardly any sights taken in
Just us together wondering the streets
Enjoying just being a couple
Two lovers sharing everything

The laughter, the love, the sex, our souls united
No one will ever take that away from us
We discovered just how perfect we were together
No signs of the heartbreak that was to follow

Those memories that will never leave me
A city that will always scream your name
In these dark, sad, heartbreaking times apart
We will always have Berlin, my love

Lonely, broken, desperate

How can a 44 year old father and husband feel so lonely?
A marriage that is disintegrating and I have lost all interest in.
Walked away from a loving, healthy & positive relationship.
Having friends who have got fed up listening and turned their backs.
Living in one of the most amazing cities but emotionally coldest.
Finally finding the lifestyle that I always yearned for but left it behind.

I wake up, I cry for her inside, I try not to show my sadness to my kids, I commute on crowded trains, I try to focus on work, I try to write something here or in a diary, I commute home, I try enjoying some time with the kids, I try make the evening pass quickly, I lay in the bath thinking of her, I fall asleep think of her

Repeat … Repeat … Repeat
Loud music to try drown everything out
Occasional breaks with friends, dinners & dancefloors
I not alone but I am so lonely
Hope I don’t break but I am broken
Desperately trying but desperately lost

Meek inheriting nothing but pain

The phrase goes “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth”.

Really? I have to disagree. I am one of those fortunate characters and I assure you the plight of the meek is not one of the glorious chosen.
Being quite in the background in the shadows gets you very little. It’s a very lonely world, the world of the meek. You constantly feel like people are pushing past you or not even acknowledging that you are there.

A dear friend of mine suffers from similar characteristics. She once said to me “It’s easier letting others make the decisions for me”. I know just what she is talking about. In her case the biggest issue seems to be her job. She is brilliant and attained 2 masters degrees in her chosen fields. When she was employed straight after leaving university (by the firm I was working at, at the time), the interviewers “had” to employ her right away. They could not risk loosing her while they interviewed others. Several years later she is indispensable. Indispensable but she is being fucked over on a daily basis. She is super hard working and rarely leaves before 10pm. The company does pay overtime (I always got paid for any extra time I put in when I was with them) but she never gets paid for it. She is one of the lowest paid but she stays quite and doesn’t kick up a stink. People go on holiday and dump their projects on her because they know she will do it, and do it properly. She grins and bears it. I am similar but not even I would stand for the way she is being treated. Lot’s of us close to her encourage her to move on and try to reinforce her confidence. But she is terrified to move on and being meek she just continues to get fucked over. She suffers in silence and only occasionally cries on one of our shoulders. I understand what she is going through. That helpless, lonely and terrifying darkness. Knowing you are being treated badly but being completely helpless to help yourself. I don’t know what to do for her. All I can think of is to try build her up, pass on my advice and be there when she needs a shoulder. I know the best way to fix this is for her to do it for herself. But I also know its a hard, painful and sometimes lonely journey.

With work I have developed the confidence to “not give a shit”. I know that if I walk out of a company, I can find something relatively quickly. And even if I don’t I know I can adapt into a new role and have no fear in that regard. But I still have those who are more bullish, push past and get ahead. I don’t have that loud voice and the fight that is often required to get ahead in a corporate world.

Age and experience has taught me that sometimes pushing that meek, quite side of myself away gets me what I want. But it can be incredibly difficult. Even building myself up and being ready to take that step, doesn’t make it happen. The time comes and either I bottle it or even bottle it on autopilot. What I mean by that is I only realise sometime later that I didn’t do what I had intended, said what I wanted, confronted a situation. Often this behavior repeats itself over and over. It can be overcome, I know this. I know that I can even be in the zone with a situation and have the confidence to barge through obstacle after obstacle and come though stronger, happier and bullish. Unfortunately even when I overcome my meekness in a certain situation, the next time it may not and I revert to that meek, quiet introvert. It’s so frustrating, so soul destroying, so crippling!

The same is happening in my marriage. I have wanted to leave for so long. Prepared myself to take that step. Given myself and given her every reason to separate. But I bottle it when the crunch comes. Part of the reason is meekness. If I was a bastard and just did what I needed to, what I “should” (read “The Background Story” for more details) I know I would be happier. But sometimes we can’t help ourselves no matter how much we want to.

Suggesting that the meek will inherit something due to the bullish destroying themselves or burning their light out is wrong. It’s pure fiction and utter bullshit. If anything it is the other way around and the meek will be pounded out of existence.

To her

To the beautiful woman who’s heart I broke
So much time has passed, memories faded
But our love continuing to haunt me daily
My tears still run, fueling the sorrow
This heart hasn’t healed, I don’t want it to

There are a thousand things I want to say
But I won’t, I must respect your new life
Your new life away from me
I continue to dream of a future us
Eternal hope and undying love … X

I’ll never find anyone like you

It’s such a common phrase from the mouths of the brokenhearted. Just the sad, broken-hearted, unrealistic words of a love struck fool?

Believing in “the one” is like believing in a higher being who controls the fate of one and all. Not for me, sorry I don’t buy either. There is no one person on the planet that’s a perfect match for you. There are thousands (even hundreds of thousands) of people with whom we match up really well with (some slightly better, some slightly worse). Chances of a perfect match are virtually impossible. And even if there were to be a few perfect matches on this planet, what are the chances you will find each other. Slim! Very slim!!

Yes, the chance of finding someone like the person you lost is virtually zero. But that’s not to say you can’t find someone even better for yourself. Someone who can take you to places you haven’t even imagined. Try telling that to someone who’s heart has been ravaged by the loss of a lover.

I really don’t think I will find someone like my lost love. The way different personality traits blended so well. Our tastes in sex, socialising, music, food … The way we pushed each others limits so well and the way that opened up new beautiful horizons to us both. It’s all gone now (except in the echos of memories) and it may be lost forever.
There could be someone even better matched around the corner but I know what I have lost and that is all I want!