Control through fear

This is one of the default setting my wife and mother of my kids employs in the day to day running of family life.
She is a lovely, very hard working person. Stereo-typically oriental personality I guess you could say.
All the positive personality traits are however coupled with several negative (standard issue human). She is a control freak and has always had a temper. I have learnt to dampen the bad temper when it makes an appearance and we as a family have learnt to deal with it. But there is no denying there is an element of living in fear, and of her using it to control things.

Examples:
An obvious one (directed at me) was the “…if you leave the next time you see me and the kids will be at our funerals…” to stop me from moving out!
The not as extreme (directed at the kids) “…if you don’t do ________ I will hit you…”
My daughter who volunteers at the local petting zoo every weekend and lives for her volunteering day, was recently inconsolable when she was told “…if you don’t do _____ you can never go to the zoo again.”
There are tons more examples of various degrees of gravity that I can’t think of right now.

None of these consequences are every usually carried out but I cannot comprehend why on earth someone would deliberately threaten things like that just to get things done the way they want them done.
One of the biggest reasons I haven’t left yet is not being able to leave my kids in this environment. I am not saying it would be a bad environment (she is usually a good person and good mother). But there would be occasions when the monster comes out, and what if I am then not there to mitigate? My son is soft and calm and he will “conform” but my daughter can be stubborn and hard headed. When mother and daughter collide it’s dramatic and neither gives an inch. I fear what could happen if I am not there. I fear …

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A Sadist Looks In A Mirror

The term sadist, I hated at first. Cruel, grim, tough, dangerous, harmful  … does not define who and what I am! I failed to see the beauty in the term “sadist”. I was seeing it the way someone outside the kink community sees it. “Sadists” bring Nazis, murderers and all kinds of human garbage to mind.

It has become a term I cherish, for at least in one aspect of my life it defines me very accurately. What is a sadist, in the kinky sense of the word? Simply, someone who derives pleasure from inflicting pain on another. I don’t expect the majority of people to understand. That’s ok, it’s not for the majority of people. I get that. How can someone get turned on and enjoy hurting another? How can you disrespect and treat someone so badly as to inflict suffering and pain on them just for your sexual gratification? I have cared for and often loved everyone I have “played” with. Anyone I have played with has consented to these sadistic acts I performed on them. Most (all, I hope) derived pleasure from the acts themselves or / and the results of those acts.

Bdsm was something I was turned on by from an early age. It took me a long time to gain the courage to enter that world. Turned out there was very little to be apprehensive about. Everyone was so welcoming and it was so very easy and chilled. I felt like finally coming home. But the first time I played with someone I didn’t feel comfortable. My second playmate became a more regular partner. I started feeling more comfortable. Then I fell for a masochist. She completely changed my world. We fell in love but even without that she helped me open up to my inner sadist. Love and trust helped me and us to explore this world of bdsm deeper and deeper. I have no interest in becoming a student of the lifestyle. Not interested if my technique is correct or what I should or should not be doing … I did what came naturally, what I wanted to, the way I wanted to … Sometimes it was like walking on ice but that’s what playing on the edge is. It was magnificent. I was born again if you like.

There is a title I do not go by and that people often associate with me. That term is dom. Dominant. That I feel I am not. Sure you can be dom and a sadist, am many usually are. But I am not. I am sadist … not domly dom dom … Not naturally anyway. I can be if the scenario requires it and its not too uncomfortable a push getting me there. I will not have you crawling around on all fours, calling me sir or master, kissing my feet, performing humiliating tasks. NOPE. Restrained (even contorted), screaming out (even crying) as your mind gets overwelmed by pain and waves of pleasure, finding new ways to push you to the very edge and dangle you there before allowing you release. Yes, yes, yes. That’s me.
I have been with a submissive partner who I have sensed has paused and is awaiting my instruction … waiting to be told … to be commanded … Siiggghhh … really? Arrrghh, I hate the pressure. Now I need to come up with something good. Damn can’t we just have sex instead? Oh wait, I am in charge. Get over here! … haahaahaa.

Go give your local sadist a big hug.
We don’t bite … well, unless we really, really like you 😉 :p

 

 

I am

What I am?

I am man
Not alpha man
A soft, quieter man
Often gentle lamb
Yet unmistakably ram

A father I am
Twins I fathered my man!
Father and husband I am
Not husband for long, the plan
The plan? A free man!

Weird yet ordinary man
Morally grey at best I am
Too twisted for you ma’am?
I’m comfortable with who I am
You not? I don’t give a damn!

A kinky man, that I am
A kinky sadist I am
I ain’t a domly dom, man!
When I need to I can
But natural born sadist I am!!

Not bacon or bourbon man
Instead a bbq and rum fan
Bald, bearded, tattooed I am
Leather kilted, flogger in hand
Wham, wham, wham, wham!!

Night creature I am
On the dancefloor a happy man
From blues to metal a fan
Clubnight, gig or jam
Fetish events? Hot damn!!

What I am?
I am soft, gentle, quite, easy going, rum drinking, bbq eating, tattooed, dancing, kinky, bottom spanking, sadistic human.

 

Shredded heart

When I met you, all I wanted was one night
Being honest, didn’t think I stood a chance
Way too gorgeous, but I had to try my luck
No one nighter, but the start of so much more

That short year, you gave me the time of my life
Unrestricted, every second was a highlight
So much passion, what you gave me changed my life
I was whole again, days full of wonder, fun and love

Honest and open, traits that rarely defined me
But in your arms, completely truthful I became
You beside me, I was who I always longed to be
The new me, a man proud, strong and free

But the day came, a perfect union blown apart
Deep in my gut, I knew it just had to end
My hands shaking, telling you we couldn’t be
Gigantic tears, instantly shredded up my heart

One year on, lost love still haunting me
Miss you daily, but I know it was no mistake
Had to step back, let you live, love and be safe
Fighting demons, a lonely journey I endure

Lonely drowning, a shadow of whom I’d been
Can’t explain it, doesn’t make much sense to me
I keep on trying, hoping one day I’ll be free
Don’t forget me, but goodbye … fair well … cherie