Soulmate

I walked away from you. That day will forever be seared on my soul.
I know you understand, the same way I know you hate me and that you truly love me.

A friend you never got to meet (who I was catching up on the past two years of my life) described you as my soulmate! I have never believed in soulmates but the word stuck in my brain. I know you are as close to a soulmate as I have come.

Irrespective of what happens, of where our paths lead … know that I will love you until that day when this body dries, crumbles and disappears.

I promised myself

I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall in love again before getting divorced or at least separated.

I promised myself after the terrible heartbreak of losing K that I wouldn’t do that to myself again.

Last night M and myself broke up.

It’s the second time we broke up. But the first was after just a short time together. This second relationship was longer, more intense and ultimately we fell in love.

I never expected M to come into my life the way she did. She had already in my life for several years as a colleague but I never expected anything to happen. The type of woman I would never think I had a chance with. Stunning beautiful, 15 years younger, very religious, a workaholic … the difference between us are numerous. But so are the similarities and the need to have someone to share with.

It’s a relationship that offered me a welcome distraction from the drama and heartbreak. It gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence. Taught me control and to focus on priorities. And ultimately that’s why it fell apart. No matter how much we love and want one another, we both know a real relationship would never work under current circumstances. So we stopped before it got worse. Before the pain a breakup would bring became soul destroying. Priorities. I have mine. I need to care for my kids and do what needs to be done, to gain my freedom.

For now I feel like a caged animal. Living a pointless, empty life. Just filling the time with nothingness as father times clock ticks away. But those are my demons and my issues to deal with.

I vow I won’t let this happen again before I am in a position to love someone without boundaries … without restriction. Hopefully this time I can stick to this promise to myself …

I wonder …

The lyrics to the song I Wonder by Rodriguez stuck in my head from an early age. The title I find quite appropriate to my current relationship with M (New girl). Here is my variation on the lyrics.

I wonder how you really feel about me
And I wonder is there an us in your mind
I wonder if it will ever work out
And I wonder if your parents will mind

I wonder what kind of lover you are
And I wonder who you call when “hot”
I wonder just who you’ve been with
And I wonder if you sad we cannot

I wonder if you cried when we stopped
And I wonder will a third time result
I wonder do you dream like I do
And I wonder do they ever come true

I wonder why you never ask me out
And I wonder if you really just lonely
I wonder why you so happy to follow
And I wonder how far I can take you

I wonder will you always be so closed
And I wonder if you long to be more open
I wonder how many questions you have
And I wonder will they ever get asked

I wonder what you do with your time
And I wonder if you really are fine
I wonder who you love and who not
And I wonder do you care / do you not!?