Respecting privacy

It has been weeks since I have posted an entry in my blog. One of the reasons is that I have just been busy with life. But let me go into another of the reasons.
I started a new job in January. It’s a large, well known corporate with large open plan floor-plates. I can’t sit and type freely at home, as I have a spouse who watches and analyses every movement I make … Anyway, so I found taking a few minutes at work to type blog posts was working well. After a few months I ended up sitting in a very quite part of the office with few people surrounding me. I tried to type something every day and even if it wasn’t a new post it was a part of an entry or an ideas or something.
A couple of months back I moved back next to my team, sandwiched between two guys. Both perfectly lovely and no complaints from me. But eventually I became aware the the guy to my left had no respect for anyone else’s right to privacy. Giving you an example, I looked up a local bowling alley to go bowling with a friend after work. Next thing I hear the guy to my left say “Ahhh bowling!”. Nothing too serious but I don’t think you should be reading anything off my screen. I have done it (we all have) but if I catch myself doing it, I stop myself and try look away … I try respect the other persons privacy.
But it wasn’t just the bowling. Loads of things I would browse would get “mentioned”.
And not just internet browsing either. This person I should add has a photographic memory. He apparently finds it entertaining to keep a mental record of what I eat for lunch. He occasionally pipe ups with something like … “Wow, that’s katsu curry 3 times this week” or “Let me guess, a duck wrap from Pret today?”.
I have moved to a different building temporarily.
Today I arranged lunch in the pub with a different colleague. I arranged it using Skype for business which we all have. A few minutes after arranging it he asks, “What you having for lunch today?” I say I have made plans but lets do lunch tomorrow …
When I get back from lunch I get a message from him saying “How was the food at “The G***** A*****”? you didn’t think just because you moved across the street that I would stop knowing what you eat for lunch did you???”

You might therefore understand why I have found less time or rather less space to write my blog entries freely.

Time marches on

Another heartbroken night … time marches on
Another sexless month … time marches on
A holiday abroad … time marches on
A new friend … time marches on
A new job interview … time marches on
A night out dancing … time marches on
Dreaming of out of reach love … time marches on
Deadline after deadline met … time marches on
Dinner with a friend … time marches on
Domestic arguments … time marches on
Kids acting up … time marches on
Peace of mind … time marches on
Queuing … time marches on
Sick again … time marches on
Unattainable dreams … time marches on
Unending traffic jams … time marches on
Vegetating on the sofa … time marches on
Waiting for freedom … time marches on

And time marches on … another step closer to expiration

Control through fear

This is one of the default setting my wife and mother of my kids employs in the day to day running of family life.
She is a lovely, very hard working person. Stereo-typically oriental personality I guess you could say.
All the positive personality traits are however coupled with several negative (standard issue human). She is a control freak and has always had a temper. I have learnt to dampen the bad temper when it makes an appearance and we as a family have learnt to deal with it. But there is no denying there is an element of living in fear, and of her using it to control things.

An obvious one (directed at me) was the “…if you leave the next time you see me and the kids will be at our funerals…” to stop me from moving out!
The not as extreme (directed at the kids) “…if you don’t do ________ I will hit you…”
My daughter who volunteers at the local petting zoo every weekend and lives for her volunteering day, was recently inconsolable when she was told “…if you don’t do _____ you can never go to the zoo again.”
There are tons more examples of various degrees of gravity that I can’t think of right now.

None of these consequences are every usually carried out but I cannot comprehend why on earth someone would deliberately threaten things like that just to get things done the way they want them done.
One of the biggest reasons I haven’t left yet is not being able to leave my kids in this environment. I am not saying it would be a bad environment (she is usually a good person and good mother). But there would be occasions when the monster comes out, and what if I am then not there to mitigate? My son is soft and calm and he will “conform” but my daughter can be stubborn and hard headed. When mother and daughter collide it’s dramatic and neither gives an inch. I fear what could happen if I am not there. I fear …

forgive me angels

To my children

I hope that one day you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Forgive me for the uncomfortable and tense home life you have been subjected to over the recent years. You are the completely innocent victims of a marriage falling apart. You in no way deserve to listen to the late night fights in the other room.

What you have experienced I know will always live with you. Hopefully those wounds heal well and the scars are not too ugly.

All the days out and trips away that we should be taking but can’t because I have no desire to take part in any family activities. I promise you it has nothing to do with either of you. You know that, don’t you? I would love to be exploring the world with you.

I never was the father you deserve. Sure I am the fun, easy going, always there for a laugh parent. But I know when it come to your formal education and your day to day health, I was never the parent you needed me to be. It’s a good thing your mother was there for those things and she did a very good job at all those aspects of your lives. I knew I was never the father you deserved long before any of this divorce business started.

I try to make this as easy on you as I can, but I know you are hurting. I love you and will always love you, no matter what path our lives take.

I won’t blame you if you exclude me from your future for what we are going through now. Just hope you understand and maybe one day, you can forgive me.

We will always have Berlin

That Berlin trip
My dream come true
It was heaven for me
I hope it was similar for you

Waking up next to you day after day
Your beautiful face wrapped in white linen
It was so effortless, so right … perfection
A glimpse into a future life together

Hardly any sights taken in
Just us together wondering the streets
Enjoying just being a couple
Two lovers sharing everything

The laughter, the love, the sex, our souls united
No one will ever take that away from us
We discovered just how perfect we were together
No signs of the heartbreak that was to follow

Those memories that will never leave me
A city that will always scream your name
In these dark, sad, heartbreaking times apart
We will always have Berlin, my love

Lonely, broken, desperate

How can a 44 year old father and husband feel so lonely?
A marriage that is disintegrating and I have lost all interest in.
Walked away from a loving, healthy & positive relationship.
Having friends who have got fed up listening and turned their backs.
Living in one of the most amazing cities but emotionally coldest.
Finally finding the lifestyle that I always yearned for but left it behind.

I wake up, I cry for her inside, I try not to show my sadness to my kids, I commute on crowded trains, I try to focus on work, I try to write something here or in a diary, I commute home, I try enjoying some time with the kids, I try make the evening pass quickly, I lay in the bath thinking of her, I fall asleep think of her

Repeat … Repeat … Repeat
Loud music to try drown everything out
Occasional breaks with friends, dinners & dancefloors
I not alone but I am so lonely
Hope I don’t break but I am broken
Desperately trying but desperately lost

Meek inheriting nothing but pain

The phrase goes “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth”.

Really? I have to disagree. I am one of those fortunate characters and I assure you the plight of the meek is not one of the glorious chosen.
Being quite in the background in the shadows gets you very little. It’s a very lonely world, the world of the meek. You constantly feel like people are pushing past you or not even acknowledging that you are there.

A dear friend of mine suffers from similar characteristics. She once said to me “It’s easier letting others make the decisions for me”. I know just what she is talking about. In her case the biggest issue seems to be her job. She is brilliant and attained 2 masters degrees in her chosen fields. When she was employed straight after leaving university (by the firm I was working at, at the time), the interviewers “had” to employ her right away. They could not risk loosing her while they interviewed others. Several years later she is indispensable. Indispensable but she is being fucked over on a daily basis. She is super hard working and rarely leaves before 10pm. The company does pay overtime (I always got paid for any extra time I put in when I was with them) but she never gets paid for it. She is one of the lowest paid but she stays quite and doesn’t kick up a stink. People go on holiday and dump their projects on her because they know she will do it, and do it properly. She grins and bears it. I am similar but not even I would stand for the way she is being treated. Lot’s of us close to her encourage her to move on and try to reinforce her confidence. But she is terrified to move on and being meek she just continues to get fucked over. She suffers in silence and only occasionally cries on one of our shoulders. I understand what she is going through. That helpless, lonely and terrifying darkness. Knowing you are being treated badly but being completely helpless to help yourself. I don’t know what to do for her. All I can think of is to try build her up, pass on my advice and be there when she needs a shoulder. I know the best way to fix this is for her to do it for herself. But I also know its a hard, painful and sometimes lonely journey.

With work I have developed the confidence to “not give a shit”. I know that if I walk out of a company, I can find something relatively quickly. And even if I don’t I know I can adapt into a new role and have no fear in that regard. But I still have those who are more bullish, push past and get ahead. I don’t have that loud voice and the fight that is often required to get ahead in a corporate world.

Age and experience has taught me that sometimes pushing that meek, quite side of myself away gets me what I want. But it can be incredibly difficult. Even building myself up and being ready to take that step, doesn’t make it happen. The time comes and either I bottle it or even bottle it on autopilot. What I mean by that is I only realise sometime later that I didn’t do what I had intended, said what I wanted, confronted a situation. Often this behavior repeats itself over and over. It can be overcome, I know this. I know that I can even be in the zone with a situation and have the confidence to barge through obstacle after obstacle and come though stronger, happier and bullish. Unfortunately even when I overcome my meekness in a certain situation, the next time it may not and I revert to that meek, quiet introvert. It’s so frustrating, so soul destroying, so crippling!

The same is happening in my marriage. I have wanted to leave for so long. Prepared myself to take that step. Given myself and given her every reason to separate. But I bottle it when the crunch comes. Part of the reason is meekness. If I was a bastard and just did what I needed to, what I “should” (read “The Background Story” for more details) I know I would be happier. But sometimes we can’t help ourselves no matter how much we want to.

Suggesting that the meek will inherit something due to the bullish destroying themselves or burning their light out is wrong. It’s pure fiction and utter bullshit. If anything it is the other way around and the meek will be pounded out of existence.

To her

To the beautiful woman who’s heart I broke
So much time has passed, memories faded
But our love continuing to haunt me daily
My tears still run, fueling the sorrow
This heart hasn’t healed, I don’t want it to

There are a thousand things I want to say
But I won’t, I must respect your new life
Your new life away from me
I continue to dream of a future us
Eternal hope and undying love … X

I’ll never find anyone like you

It’s such a common phrase from the mouths of the brokenhearted. Just the sad, broken-hearted, unrealistic words of a love struck fool?

Believing in “the one” is like believing in a higher being who controls the fate of one and all. Not for me, sorry I don’t buy either. There is no one person on the planet that’s a perfect match for you. There are thousands (even hundreds of thousands) of people with whom we match up really well with (some slightly better, some slightly worse). Chances of a perfect match are virtually impossible. And even if there were to be a few perfect matches on this planet, what are the chances you will find each other. Slim! Very slim!!

Yes, the chance of finding someone like the person you lost is virtually zero. But that’s not to say you can’t find someone even better for yourself. Someone who can take you to places you haven’t even imagined. Try telling that to someone who’s heart has been ravaged by the loss of a lover.

I really don’t think I will find someone like my lost love. The way different personality traits blended so well. Our tastes in sex, socialising, music, food … The way we pushed each others limits so well and the way that opened up new beautiful horizons to us both. It’s all gone now (except in the echos of memories) and it may be lost forever.
There could be someone even better matched around the corner but I know what I have lost and that is all I want!

Cyber snooping or stalking

You meet a new person, a potential new partner, play partner, lover (anything that goes beyond one night). Right, what can I remember about them? Their name, occupation, interests … Armed with that information you turn to Google and Facebook. Few people are that stealthy, that a simple online search doesn’t reveal quite a bit about them. We do this why? Hopefully just to check that they are who they say they are and maybe to see what they are into (or not into) or even if you have some friends in common that you are not aware of. Hopefully nothing more sinister. Hopefully it’s just to protect yourself … know who you are dealing with …

This form of cyber searching does not fall anywhere near stalking. But when does cyber snooping cross over into unacceptable stalking?

I keep tabs on my ex, K. We have been broken up for 10 months but I am still very much in love with her (our breakup wasn’t as a result of us falling out). For both our sake we keep our distance from each other. But I look at her Facebook occasionally and even friends Facebook pages for comments from her. Anyway to find out how she is … We both belonged to a “socialising group” who’s website I check to see what events she might be going to. This is both out of curiosity and just in a very few circumstances, to avoid running into each other. I need to give her space and don’t want to interfere with her new life. We are both kinky and on Fetlife. Practically from day one I deactivated my FL account. I have no need for it at the moment and I know if I was still on there I would be looking at her page and it would tear me to shreads. For a similar reason I am off Whatsapp. This is a bit of a bugger as most of my friends use Whatsapp as the day to day messaging app. But fuck it, my sanity is way more important than being able to message Jimmy or Jessica easily.

Is this snooping … fair enough? Or is it wrong of me?
I know that she wouldn’t think badly of me for doing so but what about  you?