We will always have Berlin

That Berlin trip
My dream come true
It was heaven for me
I hope it was similar for you

Waking up next to you day after day
Your beautiful face wrapped in white linen
It was so effortless, so right … perfection
A glimpse into a future life together

Hardly any sights taken in
Just us together wondering the streets
Enjoying just being a couple
Two lovers sharing everything

The laughter, the love, the sex, our souls united
No one will ever take that away from us
We discovered just how perfect we were together
No signs of the heartbreak that was to follow

Those memories that will never leave me
A city that will always scream your name
In these dark, sad, heartbreaking times apart
We will always have Berlin, my love

Lonely, broken, desperate

How can a 44 year old father and husband feel so lonely?
A marriage that is disintegrating and I have lost all interest in.
Walked away from a loving, healthy & positive relationship.
Having friends who have got fed up listening and turned their backs.
Living in one of the most amazing cities but emotionally coldest.
Finally finding the lifestyle that I always yearned for but left it behind.

I wake up, I cry for her inside, I try not to show my sadness to my kids, I commute on crowded trains, I try to focus on work, I try to write something here or in a diary, I commute home, I try enjoying some time with the kids, I try make the evening pass quickly, I lay in the bath thinking of her, I fall asleep think of her

Repeat … Repeat … Repeat
Loud music to try drown everything out
Occasional breaks with friends, dinners & dancefloors
I not alone but I am so lonely
Hope I don’t break but I am broken
Desperately trying but desperately lost

Meek inheriting nothing but pain

The phrase goes “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth”.

Really? I have to disagree. I am one of those fortunate characters and I assure you the plight of the meek is not one of the glorious chosen.
Being quite in the background in the shadows gets you very little. It’s a very lonely world, the world of the meek. You constantly feel like people are pushing past you or not even acknowledging that you are there.

A dear friend of mine suffers from similar characteristics. She once said to me “It’s easier letting others make the decisions for me”. I know just what she is talking about. In her case the biggest issue seems to be her job. She is brilliant and attained 2 masters degrees in her chosen fields. When she was employed straight after leaving university (by the firm I was working at, at the time), the interviewers “had” to employ her right away. They could not risk loosing her while they interviewed others. Several years later she is indispensable. Indispensable but she is being fucked over on a daily basis. She is super hard working and rarely leaves before 10pm. The company does pay overtime (I always got paid for any extra time I put in when I was with them) but she never gets paid for it. She is one of the lowest paid but she stays quite and doesn’t kick up a stink. People go on holiday and dump their projects on her because they know she will do it, and do it properly. She grins and bears it. I am similar but not even I would stand for the way she is being treated. Lot’s of us close to her encourage her to move on and try to reinforce her confidence. But she is terrified to move on and being meek she just continues to get fucked over. She suffers in silence and only occasionally cries on one of our shoulders. I understand what she is going through. That helpless, lonely and terrifying darkness. Knowing you are being treated badly but being completely helpless to help yourself. I don’t know what to do for her. All I can think of is to try build her up, pass on my advice and be there when she needs a shoulder. I know the best way to fix this is for her to do it for herself. But I also know its a hard, painful and sometimes lonely journey.

With work I have developed the confidence to “not give a shit”. I know that if I walk out of a company, I can find something relatively quickly. And even if I don’t I know I can adapt into a new role and have no fear in that regard. But I still have those who are more bullish, push past and get ahead. I don’t have that loud voice and the fight that is often required to get ahead in a corporate world.

Age and experience has taught me that sometimes pushing that meek, quite side of myself away gets me what I want. But it can be incredibly difficult. Even building myself up and being ready to take that step, doesn’t make it happen. The time comes and either I bottle it or even bottle it on autopilot. What I mean by that is I only realise sometime later that I didn’t do what I had intended, said what I wanted, confronted a situation. Often this behavior repeats itself over and over. It can be overcome, I know this. I know that I can even be in the zone with a situation and have the confidence to barge through obstacle after obstacle and come though stronger, happier and bullish. Unfortunately even when I overcome my meekness in a certain situation, the next time it may not and I revert to that meek, quiet introvert. It’s so frustrating, so soul destroying, so crippling!

The same is happening in my marriage. I have wanted to leave for so long. Prepared myself to take that step. Given myself and given her every reason to separate. But I bottle it when the crunch comes. Part of the reason is meekness. If I was a bastard and just did what I needed to, what I “should” (read “The Background Story” for more details) I know I would be happier. But sometimes we can’t help ourselves no matter how much we want to.

Suggesting that the meek will inherit something due to the bullish destroying themselves or burning their light out is wrong. It’s pure fiction and utter bullshit. If anything it is the other way around and the meek will be pounded out of existence.

To her

To the beautiful woman who’s heart I broke
So much time has passed, memories faded
But our love continuing to haunt me daily
My tears still run, fueling the sorrow
This heart hasn’t healed, I don’t want it to

There are a thousand things I want to say
But I won’t, I must respect your new life
Your new life away from me
I continue to dream of a future us
Eternal hope and undying love … X

I’ll never find anyone like you

It’s such a common phrase from the mouths of the brokenhearted. Just the sad, broken-hearted, unrealistic words of a love struck fool?

Believing in “the one” is like believing in a higher being who controls the fate of one and all. Not for me, sorry I don’t buy either. There is no one person on the planet that’s a perfect match for you. There are thousands (even hundreds of thousands) of people with whom we match up really well with (some slightly better, some slightly worse). Chances of a perfect match are virtually impossible. And even if there were to be a few perfect matches on this planet, what are the chances you will find each other. Slim! Very slim!!

Yes, the chance of finding someone like the person you lost is virtually zero. But that’s not to say you can’t find someone even better for yourself. Someone who can take you to places you haven’t even imagined. Try telling that to someone who’s heart has been ravaged by the loss of a lover.

I really don’t think I will find someone like my lost love. The way different personality traits blended so well. Our tastes in sex, socialising, music, food … The way we pushed each others limits so well and the way that opened up new beautiful horizons to us both. It’s all gone now (except in the echos of memories) and it may be lost forever.
There could be someone even better matched around the corner but I know what I have lost and that is all I want!

Cyber snooping or stalking

You meet a new person, a potential new partner, play partner, lover (anything that goes beyond one night). Right, what can I remember about them? Their name, occupation, interests … Armed with that information you turn to Google and Facebook. Few people are that stealthy, that a simple online search doesn’t reveal quite a bit about them. We do this why? Hopefully just to check that they are who they say they are and maybe to see what they are into (or not into) or even if you have some friends in common that you are not aware of. Hopefully nothing more sinister. Hopefully it’s just to protect yourself … know who you are dealing with …

This form of cyber searching does not fall anywhere near stalking. But when does cyber snooping cross over into unacceptable stalking?

I keep tabs on my ex, K. We have been broken up for 10 months but I am still very much in love with her (our breakup wasn’t as a result of us falling out). For both our sake we keep our distance from each other. But I look at her Facebook occasionally and even friends Facebook pages for comments from her. Anyway to find out how she is … We both belonged to a “socialising group” who’s website I check to see what events she might be going to. This is both out of curiosity and just in a very few circumstances, to avoid running into each other. I need to give her space and don’t want to interfere with her new life. We are both kinky and on Fetlife. Practically from day one I deactivated my FL account. I have no need for it at the moment and I know if I was still on there I would be looking at her page and it would tear me to shreads. For a similar reason I am off Whatsapp. This is a bit of a bugger as most of my friends use Whatsapp as the day to day messaging app. But fuck it, my sanity is way more important than being able to message Jimmy or Jessica easily.

Is this snooping … fair enough? Or is it wrong of me?
I know that she wouldn’t think badly of me for doing so but what about  you?

Wrong of me?

Other peoples advice on my personal life is something I have always found difficult taking. Even when it comes with the best of intentions. Even when it came from the woman I am madly in love with about our relationship. My brother is the type of person that piles up layers and layers of philosophically drenched advice like hot syrupy pancakes on a plate. I tend to ignore the words out of his mouth before they are even spoken. Or even from the insightful keyboard warrior who’s writing I treasure. It’s my life at the end of the day so thanks but I am going to do it my way …

Yet when people mention getting married or having kids I find myself advising against it every time now. I have become so disillusioned with my own life that I want to protect others from making the same mistakes. But what right do I have? Just because I have experienced both, it doesn’t make me a guru on either. Should I just shut up and let people live these two important aspects of their life without my 5 cents worth? I often hate myself for doing it. Especially for being negative (this is something that extends to other aspects of my character too). I wish I could just smile warmly, congratulate them and wish them all the best with this fantastic decision. But that’s not me.

You so often get people who have not experienced something offering up advice on that subject. I have never suffered traumatic sexual abuse or attempted suicide, so I would never offer advice on either of those subjects. The second I hear advise on parenting in particular from someone who has never had kids … “piss off mate, just shut up”! Advice on anything like parenting from someone without either the experience of being a parent or at least a career around parenting isn’t worth listening to. Sorry! But should negative advice based on bad personal experience be handed out to anyone that brings up the subject? If I mention a restaurant to someone and they come back with “Ohh no, don’t go there. I was there last week and …”. I would be inclined to take their advice. If I go there it may be a completely different experience for me, but I would most likely avoid the restaurant based on the advice I got. Parenting and marriage is a step a little more serious than the next restaurant you choose to eat at. How important is it making people aware of the potentiality negative consequences of either of those decisions? I don’t wanna be a cunt but I am gonna tell you to proceed with caution on both.

Riding on empty

Hollow … empty … soulless … aching … grief

Aimlessly … wandering … broken … hapless .. loser

Crying … endless … relentless … crushing … sorrow

Unable … unfocused … listless … fixated … wreck

Echoes … haunting … tortured … lesioned … memories


blog_bloody-handI have never understood some peoples capacity for hate. The kind of hate that would drive someone to kill, maim or harm in any way. I come from a country where that sort of hate could have easily overtaken us and sent us plummeting into civil war. But I am so immensely proud that the transition from apartheid to democracy was a relatively peaceful one in South Africa.

I did hate my father. Hated him for being an asshole and basically forcing my mother to live out her life in a country and in a manner she didn’t want to or deserved to. But that hate I felt didn’t stop me from caring for him and doing what I could to make his life easier and “repay his parenting” … my hate for him never crossed the line into abandoning him or doing him harm.
I feel the same way about my wife, who refuses to cut that marriage tie and free us both.
And the director who I hold personally responsible for me having to leave a good, stable, 5 year old job.
I hate them all but not the kind of rage filled hate that results in funerals, hospital beds or asylums.

How is a human capable or hating another to that point?

Whether that hate is based on race, gender, political views, nationality, sexual orientation, religion, economics, crime, past actions … the list is endless … and to me unacceptable! Not to the point of physical or psychological harm. And hiding behind a righteous banner doesn’t change a thing. If you hate anyone that you are prepared to harm them even if it’s for a moral cause like environmental and animal rights, female rights, children’s rights, sexual rights … then you have no place fighting for that cause!!

There are exceptions … if you were to walk around a corner and see someone beating a child with a bat then sure enough I wouldn’t think any less of you for being filled with rage and hate, and taking matters into your own hands and I would without question do the same.

Gimme a world without hate … please!

Those stats

When I started this blog a week or so ago I stated that I was doing it for me and wasn’t bothered if anyone read it, liked it or payed any attention to it.

Yet multiple times a day I find myself studying the stats page.

Why only 1 visitor to that post?
Why no European visitors?
Why did X or Y not read that post?
Why …
Why …

Pay attention to me!!!