I promised myself

I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall in love again before getting divorced or at least separated.

I promised myself after the terrible heartbreak of losing K that I wouldn’t do that to myself again.

Last night M and myself broke up.

It’s the second time we broke up. But the first was after just a short time together. This second relationship was longer, more intense and ultimately we fell in love.

I never expected M to come into my life the way she did. She had already in my life for several years as a colleague but I never expected anything to happen. The type of woman I would never think I had a chance with. Stunning beautiful, 15 years younger, very religious, a workaholic … the difference between us are numerous. But so are the similarities and the need to have someone to share with.

It’s a relationship that offered me a welcome distraction from the drama and heartbreak. It gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence. Taught me control and to focus on priorities. And ultimately that’s why it fell apart. No matter how much we love and want one another, we both know a real relationship would never work under current circumstances. So we stopped before it got worse. Before the pain a breakup would bring became soul destroying. Priorities. I have mine. I need to care for my kids and do what needs to be done, to gain my freedom.

For now I feel like a caged animal. Living a pointless, empty life. Just filling the time with nothingness as father times clock ticks away. But those are my demons and my issues to deal with.

I vow I won’t let this happen again before I am in a position to love someone without boundaries … without restriction. Hopefully this time I can stick to this promise to myself …

Lonely, broken, desperate

How can a 44 year old father and husband feel so lonely?
A marriage that is disintegrating and I have lost all interest in.
Walked away from a loving, healthy & positive relationship.
Having friends who have got fed up listening and turned their backs.
Living in one of the most amazing cities but emotionally coldest.
Finally finding the lifestyle that I always yearned for but left it behind.

I wake up, I cry for her inside, I try not to show my sadness to my kids, I commute on crowded trains, I try to focus on work, I try to write something here or in a diary, I commute home, I try enjoying some time with the kids, I try make the evening pass quickly, I lay in the bath thinking of her, I fall asleep think of her

Repeat … Repeat … Repeat
Loud music to try drown everything out
Occasional breaks with friends, dinners & dancefloors
I not alone but I am so lonely
Hope I don’t break but I am broken
Desperately trying but desperately lost