13 months on I am still heartbroken about leaving K. But I can never return to her while I am still living with my wife. Replacing K is not what I want. I want K, the relationship we had and I never want the pain of heartbreak again. But it seems to be happening …
I have know M for years. An absolutely stunning lady, the type of woman everyone’s heads rise to when she walks over to the copier. We had worked in the same company but I had hardly ever spoken to her for more than a few minutes … then one day, one thing led to another and I am starting to forget K as my mind slowly gets consumed by thoughts of M.
Mutual friends would never put us together, hell not even complete strangers would. You see we are very different. Looks wise I am a realistic 6, she is an 8 pushing 9. I am 45, she is 29. I am an hard nosed atheist, politically apathetic, a parent, kinky and outgoing. M is very religious, interested in politics, long time single, vanilla and aloof.
We had a brief 2 month spell “together” at the tail end of last year. But she ended it. Like I said she is very religious and duly principled. Messing around with a married man was too big a hurdle for her to overcome. We kissed and made out for hours whenever we were together but never had sex. So we went our separate ways, before anyone got too hurt.
Several months later we were back in touch and now several months into our 2nd spell together little has changed. We go out (not daily or even weekly but regularly), we make out for hours and avoid the issue of sex. We still haven’t, which is something very unusual for me and the relationships I have had. Can I call it a relationship? It’s something, it’s more than just a friendship.
Whatever it is it works for us. We have each other. We both have very different but difficult issues in our lives to contend with. But in each other we have a companion (at arms length) to feel warm with.
I don’t want another relationship until I can get clear of my marriage. But I don’t want to give M up. All I am left with in that case is emptiness and loneliness. And I am not a complete idiot (naive and a dreamer, yes). I realise the chance of a future with M is very unlikely, for various reasons. And if I moved out tomorrow I need to go back to K. It will probably never happen with K again regardless but that is where my heart is.
Yet here I am sitting in a coffee shop in Old Str in London on my day off waiting for M. Wondering if this will ever turn into the relationship we want it to.