Longing for my old kink life back

I have been away from a kinky life and everything that goes with it for over a year. This is some of what I miss about that kinky life and also K (as she was the only real kinky partner I had for any substantial length of time).

I miss …

The sweet and smokey smell of rope oil
The same beautiful smell on her skin
The sting of her skin against my palm
The combined taste of sweat, rope and leather

All the parties with sexy friends and strangers
All the amazing outfits (latex, leather, pvc)
All the people playing, dancing and sexing
All the performances both pro and amateur

The markets full of collars, floggers, toys and more
The classes, demonstrations and even the munches
The dungeons filled with hours of agony and ecstasy
The furniture creatively crafted for kinky filth

Our forum where we share, discover and exhibit
Our openness and acceptance of all, irrespective …
Our hunger to explore, to live, to enjoy, to experience
Our lifestyle … all us beautiful kinksters

Death, death go away

Whatever our path through life it is something that we all share. Life = Death. The two go hand in hand and nothing can break that link.

I was always somewhat uncomfortable with death. Growing up I never really had to deal with it. The only real experiences I had with it was a sister who died the day after birth but I was 2 years of age. Later in my teens my godparents (uncle and aunt) passed away. I was too young, innocent and naive I think for it to have an impact on me.

Not until my mother passed away a couple of years ago did death impact me directly. She was my rock and by far the biggest lose I have suffered to date. Less than a year later my father died. Less of an impact and being blunt it was a relief but still again death impacted my life. Two days ago my cousin, who I had grown up with and who was more like an older sister, took her own life.

Death is again in my life.

It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I really don’t know how to deal with it, I would rather not. When a friend experiences a similar loss I stay quiet. I stay quiet because it makes me so uneasy that I prefer to ignore it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for that friend. It’s death I don’t care for.
Through all of these losses my overwhelming emotion is of emptiness. I feel nothing, I feel cold and emotionless. I didn’t cry or mourn any of these losses. Even for the people closest to me.
Why does death do this to me?
Why is this my response to death?
Why doesn’t death just fuck off!

The only time I have had a strong emotional response to death was when my wife started threatening suicide and even taking our children’s lives should I walk away from our marriage. Call it what you will but death was again being presented to me on a plate. And the idea of having death in my life again produced a far stronger emotional response in me than when death really does come into my life.

It’s bizarre and I want to mourn my losses but I can’t.












HEARTBREAK by David Whyte

is unpreventable; the natural outcome of caring for people and things over which we have no control, of holding in our affections those who inevitably move beyond our line of sight. Even the longest, strongest marriage has had its heart broken many times just in the act of staying together over the years.
Heartbreak begins the moment we are asked to let go but cannot, in other words, it colors and inhabits and magnifies each and every day; heartbreak is not a visitation, but a path that human beings follow through even the most average life. Heartbreak is an indication of our sincerity: in a love relationship, in a life’s work, in trying to learn a musical instrument, in the attempt to shape a better more generous self. Heartbreak is the beautifully helpless side of love and affection and is just as much an essence and emblem of care as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go. Heartbreak has its own way of inhabiting time and its own beautiful and trying patience in coming and going.
Heartbreak is how we mature; yet we use the word heartbreak as if it only occurs when things have gone wrong: an unrequited love, a shattered dream, a child lost before their time. Heartbreak, we hope, is something we hope we can avoid; something to guard against, a chasm to be carefully looked for and then walked around; the hope is to find a way to place our feet where the elemental forces of life will keep us in the manner to which we want to be accustomed and which will keep us from the losses that all other human beings have experienced without exception since the beginning of conscious time. But heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.
…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready to let go of the way we are holding everything and everyone that comes our way, and preparation perhaps, for the last letting go of all.
The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.
© David Whyte and Many Rivers Press 2017

I promised myself

I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall in love again before getting divorced or at least separated.

I promised myself after the terrible heartbreak of losing K that I wouldn’t do that to myself again.

Last night M and myself broke up.

It’s the second time we broke up. But the first was after just a short time together. This second relationship was longer, more intense and ultimately we fell in love.

I never expected M to come into my life the way she did. She had already in my life for several years as a colleague but I never expected anything to happen. The type of woman I would never think I had a chance with. Stunning beautiful, 15 years younger, very religious, a workaholic … the difference between us are numerous. But so are the similarities and the need to have someone to share with.

It’s a relationship that offered me a welcome distraction from the drama and heartbreak. It gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence. Taught me control and to focus on priorities. And ultimately that’s why it fell apart. No matter how much we love and want one another, we both know a real relationship would never work under current circumstances. So we stopped before it got worse. Before the pain a breakup would bring became soul destroying. Priorities. I have mine. I need to care for my kids and do what needs to be done, to gain my freedom.

For now I feel like a caged animal. Living a pointless, empty life. Just filling the time with nothingness as father times clock ticks away. But those are my demons and my issues to deal with.

I vow I won’t let this happen again before I am in a position to love someone without boundaries … without restriction. Hopefully this time I can stick to this promise to myself …

New girl

13 months on I am still heartbroken about leaving K. But I can never return to her while I am still living with my wife. Replacing K is not what I want. I want K, the relationship we had and I never want the pain of heartbreak again. But it seems to be happening …

I have know M for years. An absolutely stunning lady, the type of woman everyone’s heads rise to when she walks over to the copier. We had worked in the same company but I had hardly ever spoken to her for more than a few minutes … then one day, one thing led to another and I am starting to forget K as my mind slowly gets consumed by thoughts of M.

Mutual friends would never put us together, hell not even complete strangers would. You see we are very different. Looks wise I am a realistic 6, she is an 8 pushing 9. I am 45, she is 29. I am an hard nosed atheist, politically apathetic, a parent, kinky and outgoing. M is very religious, interested in politics, long time single, vanilla and aloof.

We had a brief 2 month spell “together” at the tail end of last year. But she ended it. Like I said she is very religious and duly principled. Messing around with a married man was too big a hurdle for her to overcome. We kissed and made out for hours whenever we were together but never had sex. So we went our separate ways, before anyone got too hurt.

Several months later we were back in touch and now several months into our 2nd spell together little has changed. We go out (not daily or even weekly but regularly), we make out for hours and avoid the issue of sex. We still haven’t, which is something very unusual for me and the relationships I have had. Can I call it a relationship? It’s something, it’s more than just a friendship.

Whatever it is it works for us. We have each other. We both have very different but difficult issues in our lives to contend with. But in each other we have a companion (at arms length) to feel warm with.

I don’t want another relationship until I can get clear of my marriage. But I don’t want to give M up. All I am left with in that case is emptiness and loneliness. And I am not a complete idiot (naive and a dreamer, yes). I realise the chance of a future with M is very unlikely, for various reasons. And if I moved out tomorrow I need to go back to K. It will probably never happen with K again regardless but that is where my heart is.

Yet here I am sitting in a coffee shop in Old Str in London on my day off waiting for M. Wondering if this will ever turn into the relationship we want it to.

Control through fear

This is one of the default setting my wife and mother of my kids employs in the day to day running of family life.
She is a lovely, very hard working person. Stereo-typically oriental personality I guess you could say.
All the positive personality traits are however coupled with several negative (standard issue human). She is a control freak and has always had a temper. I have learnt to dampen the bad temper when it makes an appearance and we as a family have learnt to deal with it. But there is no denying there is an element of living in fear, and of her using it to control things.

An obvious one (directed at me) was the “…if you leave the next time you see me and the kids will be at our funerals…” to stop me from moving out!
The not as extreme (directed at the kids) “…if you don’t do ________ I will hit you…”
My daughter who volunteers at the local petting zoo every weekend and lives for her volunteering day, was recently inconsolable when she was told “…if you don’t do _____ you can never go to the zoo again.”
There are tons more examples of various degrees of gravity that I can’t think of right now.

None of these consequences are every usually carried out but I cannot comprehend why on earth someone would deliberately threaten things like that just to get things done the way they want them done.
One of the biggest reasons I haven’t left yet is not being able to leave my kids in this environment. I am not saying it would be a bad environment (she is usually a good person and good mother). But there would be occasions when the monster comes out, and what if I am then not there to mitigate? My son is soft and calm and he will “conform” but my daughter can be stubborn and hard headed. When mother and daughter collide it’s dramatic and neither gives an inch. I fear what could happen if I am not there. I fear …

The background story

I grew up in a big city in southern Africa. A quiet, shy kid but my early years were happy ones. Well mostly happy. When puberty hit and I started to become more aware of the opposite sex, my quiet and shy nature started working against me. I was never a confident child and that developed into a “sexual late bloomer”. First two sexual encounters were with sex workers at about 22. First girl I really kissed I ended up marrying. It was a fantastic relationship. A merging of two separate cultures, we embraced our differences and lived a happy life together. We struggled to have kids but they eventually came and just like London buses, 2 at the same time. A complete happy family. Except like with most families that look happy and all smiles on the outside, something darker hides behind the curtain.

Eight years into our relationship (the twins were a year old) I had a one night stand. It wasn’t accidental, I spent some time looking for it. It was fantastic and it ticked that box, it was a one off. That’s what I told myself at the time. But of course it wasn’t long before it happened again, and again and … It happened for this reason or that … whatever, it happened! No reason to make excuses, the facts are there, it became a pattern and is now imprinted on who I am. We are “defined” by our actions and I am ok with that. I now realise maybe married life wasn’t for me. But it felt right at the time, as did having children, so no need to dwell … deal with it. All this woulda, shoulda, coulda is pointless. Deal with it, your life is where it is, deal with the facts.

When I moved to London I befriended A who I opened up to and became an important friend to me. This was the first person I was truly honest with and it was such a relief opening up to someone about all this. Her advise to me at the time was spot on. “You have to make a choice, either way. But you can’t carry on doing this to your wife.” She also expressed that she didn’t feel comfortable being stuck in the middle, when she met my wife, knowing what she did. I think it was this, my indecisiveness with the whole situation and my continued behaviour, that eventually cost us our friendship. Were it not for this I don’t think we would have fallen out.

Some three years into London life and before any talk of divorce, I finally took that seemingly huge step into the world of kink. Getting the courage to get past the mental barrier was the huge step, actually stepping into that world was so easy. Super friendly people who are not judgmental, no matter what your background or what you were about. It felt so right … I was home.
I now know that I was virtually kinky from birth. Definitely kinky before I knew what kink was. I just knew a lot of my behavior was not “normal”.
I stepped into this world quite lightly and slowly met some people in it and eventually some play partners. One of these was K. K went on to become my regular play partner. It was initially just casual and “drama free”, something light and easy. She was getting divorced and was just months from finalising this. I was not honest with her and told her nothing about being married or having kids.

The day came when I had decided I was going to ask to divorce. I needed to approach this with carefully, my wife has a vicious temper and the kids futures also need to be considered.
In the week leading up to this day I went on a sexual “bender”. I slept with 5 different women that week. Two of those I felt I needed to be honest with. Most importantly K. I told her I hadn’t been honest and was married with kids and getting divorced. I fully expected this to be the final goodbye. I needed to focus on getting divorced and I expect a “goodbye, hope it works out, maybe next time try being honest from the start”. Instead she said she understood and it felt to good, lets just see what happens.
Our relationship grew and we both allowed ourselves to let our emotions flow. I never dreamt I would meet someone like this. We bounced off each other so well. Her submissiveness and my sadism flowed and intermingled so well. We spent as much time together as we could. Kink events, vanilla events, lunches, dinners, met some of each others friends. We fell deeply in love. Her divorce was dragging but that was ok, it gave me time to work on mine.

I should probably mention that I had been wanting to leave for years prior to taking that step. But she had given up her career to mind the kids and I couldn’t just abandon her. So I waited until she was back in stable employment before asking for a separation/divorce.

I asked for a divorce. My wife didn’t understand. Why? We have a perfect relationship. There is nothing wrong.
I didn’t tell her everything. I told her very little. Just enough to warrant a separation. I was stunned she was still happily in love, when I hadn’t felt that way for years. Many unhappy days followed … me waiting for the penny to drop … but it didn’t so I told her a little more about what had been going on. Anger… Shouting… Tears…
One day she came across a photo of me and K on a night out. I couldn’t say that’s the woman I am having a relationship with, so I said she was a work colleague who was part of the group that went out that night. For some idiotic reason I used her real name. There is something to learn here: A compulsive liar (which I was and am, although I am trying to correct this) will always interweave truth and lies. This is to prevent getting caught out. If I made up another name for her (say I called her Pam), if ever it came up and I couldn’t remember or called her Sarah instead, I would get caught out!
My relationship with K continued and grew. At the same time trying to find a way to maneuver my way out of my marriage.
Then came the day my wife found another series of photos of me and K. Under a barrage of questions, I eventually came out with it all (most of it anyway). The shit hit the fan. Rage… Tears… Death threats… Talk of suicide… I found myself agreeing to give the marriage one last try. Why? To calm the situation but my heart was not in it. But if I walked out now I feared the consequences. K’s divorce could not be compromised. I really didn’t know how far my wife could go, but I felt that K and her child could be in real physical danger. These were just some of the reasons but I knew I had to break it off with K. Gut instinct!
I met K a few days later and broke it off. The second I saw the huge tears falling from the eyes of the woman I love, my heart shattered. My hands started shaking uncontrollably. We sat together for several hours, not saying much, crying together, holding each other. I hadn’t ever broken up with anyone, I didn’t know what to do. I thought the best was to go hard breakup (no contact). So that’s what we did. Holy shit!! I had never dealt with real heartbreak either. I was a mess! I am a mess! 10 months on now it’s still crushing!

I continued trying to find a way to free myself from my marriage. I told my wife about the number of women I had been unfaithful with (25 or so) and alot of other shit. The shit I have gotten up to in my past will have most woman running for the hills. Not my wife, she just wants to keep it going and focused all her rage on K.

I never wanted to be doing this for the wrong reasons. And now that K wasn’t there I hopefully could deal with getting past this barrier. Hopefully she would be open to trying again when I did. Hopefully it could happen quickly, but it didn’t. I lost the woman I loved. I lost the life I loved. My life was misery!
My life took a dive. I put on weight and lost any drive I had. I had lost my job just before breaking up with K and had lost my mother too. But all I saw was heartbreak.

I tried to keep some sort of social life going. None of the events that would bring me into contact with K. That would crush me and that would not be fair on her. I also wasn’t interested in going to any. I want to go with K and until that becomes a possibility I will stay away. Anyway during this time a handful of months after the breakup M who I knew for a while but never gave myself a chance with showed some interest. A stunning young woman (vanilla but still) and fun to be around but my overriding drive to jump into another casual fling was the opportunity to get K off my wife’s radar. She was obsessed with K and if I gave her another target maybe she would “forget” about K. I had to protect K and her child.
So I started hanging out with M. Just casual and I was honest with her, so she knew I was just using her and my heart belonged to K. After 6 weeks M decided to call it quits.
This was the point I suddenly though, right this is it, you have to seize the opportunity, stop faffing and move the fuck out.
So in that week I found a place, took the day off work, packed and moved out. I waited for the kids and explained that I was moving out and why. We had already spoken to them about this so it wasn’t a huge shock. They understood but were obviously nervous for the future. I waited for my wife to get home to tell her face to face and then I could leave…
2 hours later my apartment was full of police and my wife was being led away in cuffs!

What followed was straight out of a soup opera … nothing I want to share at the moment, but lets say things got worse and everyday was torture.

I have had 2 very clear opportunities to leave (one just after the episode described above) but bottled them both. Why? I am so desperate for my freedom (it’s something I have wanted for so long) and I am even more desperate to have K back in my arms. I don’t love my wife but I care for her. This is insanely difficult on her. I don’t want any harm to come to her, even self inflicted. I want to make sure she is ok and have offered to basically pass on all our financial wealth over to her. I don’t care about looking down the barrel of financial ruin because I know I can sort myself out. i am fearless that way, always have been. But when both those opportunities to leave were presented to me they came with a barrage of rage, threats, sorrow and emotion and I just cave in.

So what we have is a life and marriage in limbo. A wife who will fight tooth and nail to keep it together. Children that need to be given the best life possible, irrespective of the situation we find ourselves in. And my heart is with a woman I haven’t seen in 10 months.